The concept of life positions is based on the theory that, early in life, people adopt a fundamental belief about their own self-worth and about the worth of others. People who decide that they or others generally are good and worthwhile are said to have adopted an “OK” life position. Likewise, people who decide that they or others generally are bad or worthless are said to have adopted a “not OK” life position. People rarely abandon their basic life positions; in fact, the basic life positions usually are reinforced by selective perception and by reactions to experiences. The only exception occurs when a person consciously decides to replace his or her dysfunctional life position with the fourth and healthiest life position, I’m OK—You’re OK.
The initial and most common life position is adopted soon after birth. Birth is a traumatic and terrifying experience, and there is a brief period of time during which no stroking (physical contact, warmth, nourishment, and so on) occurs. The infant has moved abruptly from a warm, dark, safe environment to one that is bright, cold, loud, and uncomfortable. This new environment is, simply, “not OK.” This not-OKness is the first feeling that the infant has about himself or herself. The person who provides warmth, food, and stroking is, therefore, OK. The first life position is I’m Not OK—You’re OK.
Following are descriptions of the four life positions, which are made up from combinations of OK or not-OK perceptions of oneself and others. The combinations are:
- I’m Not OK—You’re OK. A person who holds this life position believes that he or she is inferior to others, especially in situations that concern competence, influence, or personal power. Burdened with self-defeating attitudes and a lack of confidence, a person in this position feels unable to measure up to other people.
- I’m Not OK—You’re Not OK. This position often is a symptom of a highly maladjusted personality. A person who holds this life position believes that he or she is worthless—and so is everyone else. Suspicious of others, such people become anxious about what they or others might do that will be harmful to them. They feel disconnected from other people and alienated from their environments. But they have little motivation to try to overcome their negative feelings toward themselves and others.
- I’m OK-You’re Not OK. People who hold this life position believe that they cannot rely on anyone but themselves. They believe that other people are worthless and may be enemies, and that their lives would be fine if people would leave them alone. No matter what happens to this type of person, it is always someone else’s fault. Because they feel unable to depend on anyone but themselves, such people soon learn to provide their own internal satisfactions.
- I’m OK-You’re OK. The fourth life position is considered the healthiest and requires conscious effort to achieve. People who hold the I’m OK-You’re OK viewpoint see themselves as interdependent with others and with their environments. Messages from others confirming that they are OK are accepted and appreciated but are not essential to their feelings of self-worth. Because they realize that self-esteem is an individual responsibility, it is easy for people in the I’m OK-You’re OK life position to see others as OK as well.
The first three life positions result from childhood experiences. In contrast, the fourth position represents a perceptual jump. The I’m OK-You’re OK position can be reached only through conscious re-evaluation of one’s self-concept.
Development of Life Positions
An analysis of the development of the basic life positions can lead to an understanding of the nature and consequences of each life position. Infants have a mixture of OK and not OK feelings, with the not OK feelings predominating. Infants feel OK when their physical needs are satisfied and when they receive positive strokes (physical attention, recognition, and affection) from parents or other caregivers. When their needs are not met, they feel not OK. Because they are small, powerless, and inept, babies’ early experiences provide them with many negative strokes. Withheld or negative stroking is not necessarily deliberate on the part of the caregivers and may result from the babies’ inability to communicate their needs. Because adults can choose whether or not they wish to satisfy babies’ needs, babies perceive adults as all-powerful and therefore OK. For most people, the early I’m Not OK-You’re OK life position becomes a habit. Because the events in most people’s lives do not force them to re-evaluate their positions, they remain with what is comfortable and familiar.
A preponderance of negative or withheld strokes may force the child to withdraw and perhaps to switch to one of the other two basic life positions. The battered child on whom adults inflict pain may eventually conclude that other people are not OK. The child may find that he or she can satisfy the need for strokes better than adults can, thereby concluding that he or she is OK and that others are not OK. The child comes to believe that all would be well if it were not for the existence of other people.
The third life position, I’m Not OK-You’re Not OK, occurs when the child’s strokes are negative or withheld but are not devastating enough to cause the child to adopt the I’m OK-You’re Not OK position in self-defense. Instead of being beaten, for example, the child may be denied affection or neglected. In this case, the child will continue to feel not OK and will decide that others also are not OK.
Use of the OK-Not OK Principles
The strengths of the life-positions theory are its uncomplicated terminology and the fact that relevant examples of the basic life positions can be elicited from almost any group. Unfortunately, the popularity of this concept has lessened its impact. The concepts are widely known but are not necessarily widely understood. The terms OK and not OK have become household words for many people, which dilutes the impact of the theory.
The concept of life positions, which is an important part of transactional-analysis theory, was explored by Thomas Harris (1969) as a way of understanding behavior. The life-positions concept provides a conceptual framework for understanding people in terms of whether they see themselves and others as either “OK” or “not OK.” OK feelings are feelings of power, capability, well-being, lovableness, and personal worth. Not-OK feelings are the opposite: feelings of weakness, incompetence, helplessness, insignificance, anxiety, unworthiness of love, and worthlessness.
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